One Day at a Time

I'm learning so much about health that I can barely keep up. I wish I would've known earlier in life so I could've prevented this illness.

Almost a year and we've ruled it down to either an unidentified autoimmune disorder, or an unidentified chronic virus. That's why I've had a fever for a year, that's why my physical symptoms are triggered by stress, that's why I'm not contagious, and that's why I'm so extremely tired all the time.

Almost a year since Shane's last birthday, and again this year he only wants one thing: a healthy wife. Zeke remains the sweetest baby on the planet. I remain in my sweatpants. And God is still loving.

"Fie on our unbelieving hearts, that we should be afraid of this Man, who is more loving, gentle, and compassionate towards us than are our kindred, our brethren and sisters; yea, than parents themselves are toward their children. Oh! His grace and goodness toward us is so immeasurably great, that without great assaults and trials it cannot be understood." – Martin Luther

Maybe I will never understand why these first two years of marriage have been filled with disgusting, painful events. But I have to admit, God could never have reached such a deep place in my heart, had this not happened.

When I look back at my life before this illness, I can't believe how active I was and how much I took for granted. If God chooses to make me well again, I wonder how my life will be different having this new perspective.

I don't feel good 90 percent of the daytime, but at least I'm sleeping pretty well. And I praise my God because he heals me and cares about my well-being. Most people don't understand. But I now know two sisters in Christ who have had autoimmune disorders. One battles hers with modern medicine. The other used natural medicine and has been healed. This is a great encouragement to me.

Often I do wonder what it would be like to be with Shane and be healthy. He is so awesome. I bet we would have a lot of fun together. I remember some fun times we had when he visited me in Minneapolis when we were dating, long distance. Oh, how we couldn't wait to live in the same town! Little did we know how hard that would be.

I also wonder what it would be like to be Zeke's mom and be healthy. Oh man. I would take him so many places and do so many things with him! He must be developing a special kind of patience with women right now.

For now, I sit. And I pray. I receive gifts daily from a sacrificial husband, family, friends, and neighbors. I research this disease, whose butt I am determined to kick. I know now that I'm doing good things for my immune system and am on the right track because God is answering our near-daily prayers for guidance.

One day at a time. One hour at a time... counting down the minutes till naptime. One vitamin at a time. One prayer at a time, and one answer at a time. That is how we live, trusting our Savior.

"Lying flat upon my back, all the world in motion.
Everything goes by so fast; I feel like I'm frozen.
This is my holy hour,
this is my world on fire,
this is my desperate play,
this is where I am saved.
This is my kingdom come,
this is my freedom song,
this is my helpless state,
this is where I am made.
Let my ruins become the ground You build upon,
from what's left of my broken heart."
Bebo Norman

On and on it goes...

A few people have asked how I am since the surgery two weeks ago, and I have to tell you that they weren't kidding when they said the recovery would be SLOW. Wow. I am feeling better than at the beginning, when it felt like my throat, tongue, jaw, and ears were on fire. The "on fire" feeling has decreased from all day to maybe four hours a day now. My ears and jaw still hurt a lot, and I'm very sleepy. They won't refill my narcotic anymore so I have to just take Tylenol during the day and save the rest of the narcotic for at night. All I've eaten since the surgery is applesauce, ramen, tapioca, fudgcicles, cream of wheat, and mashed potatoes from the box. I eat those same things, 'round the clock. I have to wake up a few times a night to take meds and eat, too. The worst part is I can't be there for Zeke. Very little lifting or talking (can cause bleeding), plus mornings with him are shot as I'm pretty nauseated till early afternoon from the pain and the med and in bed a lot. It's pretty obvious that he knows something isn't right. I miss him so much and feel very helpless. We will get through it, though...

Tonight is our first softball game with the Good News Bears team that Shane is heading up in the Story City league! A lot of our friends are on the team, so it should be a lot of fun. If I'm feeling good enough, Mom and Zeke and I might go watch for a little while. It would be fun to play, but this summer Zeke and I will probably just be in the cheering section when we can!

Tonsil Adventure

It's been a week since surgery. The first three days were hard, but went better than expected. On Saturday I threw up from the narcotic. Then it started to hurt more. Then on day 5, I puked three cups of blood, was taken to the ER by ambulance, and had blood clots removed from my throat. My blood pressure plummeted but they pumped fluids into me to bring it up. If that happens again, the clots will have to be cauterized (burned), which would mean more pain.

My mom is here AND Shane has taken some work time off just to take care of me and Zeke. At this rate Mom will be here for a month! Thankfully, she wouldn't have it any other way and neither would we. Swallowing feels like that sharp pain you get when you bite your tongue, but the pain meds help. The meds make me sleepy and nauseated. I eat applesauce, mostly, to keep the meds down. Zeke can tell something isn't right, but he's doing great. I recorded myself talking, singing, reading to him, etc, and that helps a LOT! I just thank the Lord that he is bringing us through this time into something much more beautiful. I know he has a reason for all of this, and we are being drawn closer to him through it.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." -Jesus Christ

Baby Food

Some of Zeke's baby purees are store-bought and other ones I make. I've decided it's 100 times better to make our own. Not because we save money or it's healthier... I would much rather save time and the store-bought ones are pretty nutritious too. But the homemade stuff just tastes really good! Actually, I've been freezing it so maybe I'll eat that after getting my tonsils out and Zeke can eat store-bought for a while...

Fish eating fish

If the theory of evolution is true, then the earth and humans evolved over millions of years. This theory supports a very old earth.

If the Bible is true, the earth and humans were created 10-15,000 years ago by God, because of when Genesis was written. The Bible supports a much younger earth.

More and more of what scientists are finding goes hand-in-hand with biblical history and clashes with evolutionary theory... such as fossils not being as old as they once thought.

Did you know that all those fish-eating-fish emblems on people's cars are because of a fossil dating controversy? I didn't!

Truly sorry?

Dr. Kabbesh walked into the room 30 minutes late and said, "I'm sorry for the wait." I could tell by his voice and eye contact that he truly was sorry.

Sometimes people apologize but they're not truly sorry. You can find out if someone really was sorry by saying "I forgive you" and watching their reaction. I know this because I've apologized to Shane for things like him having to miss a ball game because he needed to spend time with me or Zeke. I'll say, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Shane, that you had to miss that game!" And he will say, "I forgive you."

My instinct in that particular circumstance would be something like... "Wait a minute, Shane. It is your responsibility to spend time with us so why are YOU forgiving ME?"

And my defensiveness reveals the truth: I wasn't truly sorry. Frustrating!

When Kelly and I were little and fighting, sometimes our parents would tell one of us to say, "I'm sorry." Whoever didn't have to say those ugly words would be secretly celebrating. "I win! That sorry sucker had to apologize to me. I win!" I have often wondered why we were never taught to say, "I forgive you."

My husband has a gift for making people feel awkward. He does this "I forgive you" thing to me on a consistent basis and it always catches me off guard! If he was a faker he would say, "Oh Kati, it was nothing. You mean the world to me and I'd miss any old ball game for you!"

But by saying "I forgive you," Shane recognizes the offense and the fact that he was indeed hurt by it. Then I'm stuck dealing with the fact that I actually did offend or hurt him! That is not a nice feeling. It feels like I didn't win. Which is, I guess, how it would feel if I was truly sorry. And that's why people aren't usually truly sorry when they say it. Who wants to be a loser?

I would like to try to stop saying "I'm sorry" so casually. Or at least ask myself, "Are you really?" before saying it. What if I'm not even at fault?

And I might even try following Shane's lead in this forgiveness thing. If people really need forgiveness then I'd better start giving it to them... even if it's embarrassing to admit that I was offended.

By the way, Dr. Kabbesh was coming in to tell me that the CT scan showed no serious diseases. Thank God! It did show my tonsils are still swollen and they have white spots again so next stop is the Ear, Nose & Throat doctor.