Almost a year and we've ruled it down to either an unidentified autoimmune disorder, or an unidentified chronic virus. That's why I've had a fever for a year, that's why my physical symptoms are triggered by stress, that's why I'm not contagious, and that's why I'm so extremely tired all the time.
Almost a year since Shane's last birthday, and again this year he only wants one thing: a healthy wife. Zeke remains the sweetest baby on the planet. I remain in my sweatpants. And God is still loving.
"Fie on our unbelieving hearts, that we should be afraid of this Man, who is more loving, gentle, and compassionate towards us than are our kindred, our brethren and sisters; yea, than parents themselves are toward their children. Oh! His grace and goodness toward us is so immeasurably great, that without great assaults and trials it cannot be understood." – Martin Luther
Maybe I will never understand why these first two years of marriage have been filled with disgusting, painful events. But I have to admit, God could never have reached such a deep place in my heart, had this not happened.
When I look back at my life before this illness, I can't believe how active I was and how much I took for granted. If God chooses to make me well again, I wonder how my life will be different having this new perspective.
I don't feel good 90 percent of the daytime, but at least I'm sleeping pretty well. And I praise my God because he heals me and cares about my well-being. Most people don't understand. But I now know two sisters in Christ who have had autoimmune disorders. One battles hers with modern medicine. The other used natural medicine and has been healed. This is a great encouragement to me.
Often I do wonder what it would be like to be with Shane and be healthy. He is so awesome. I bet we would have a lot of fun together. I remember some fun times we had when he visited me in Minneapolis when we were dating, long distance. Oh, how we couldn't wait to live in the same town! Little did we know how hard that would be.
I also wonder what it would be like to be Zeke's mom and be healthy. Oh man. I would take him so many places and do so many things with him! He must be developing a special kind of patience with women right now.
For now, I sit. And I pray. I receive gifts daily from a sacrificial husband, family, friends, and neighbors. I research this disease, whose butt I am determined to kick. I know now that I'm doing good things for my immune system and am on the right track because God is answering our near-daily prayers for guidance.
One day at a time. One hour at a time... counting down the minutes till naptime. One vitamin at a time. One prayer at a time, and one answer at a time. That is how we live, trusting our Savior.
"Lying flat upon my back, all the world in motion.
Everything goes by so fast; I feel like I'm frozen.
This is my holy hour,
this is my world on fire,
this is my desperate play,
this is where I am saved.
This is my kingdom come,
this is my freedom song,
this is my helpless state,
this is where I am made.
Let my ruins become the ground You build upon,
from what's left of my broken heart."