Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Delivered from Drivenness

An army prays for my healing every day until Easter. I hand out the prayer requests after the first weeks of battle, and one warrior steps out with a prophetic word – REST. That word comes right as discernment comes and the spirits are so clear.

All this hypo-overactive-chronic-malfunctioning is the product of 30 years of Drivenness, due to Performance due to Guilt due to Accusation, who has worked so closely with Mr. Anxiety and Ms. Feminism, who are ultimately employed by Fear. I see them. They tell me lies.

Psychiatrists would have me embrace them as "me," yet I do believe: God made me good and these are not. 

But even the medical community agrees that 80 percent of disease comes from fear, anxiety, and stress ( Doctors call them emotions; the Bible calls them "spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (Ephesians 6:12b). Drivenness, for example, comes close and whispers, "I should do..." – and of course he always speaks in the first person so I'll think it's my own thought. As soon as I agree with what he says, the adrenals leak cortisol, fatigue sets in, blood sugar goes low, hormones get wacky, immune system freaks out. And there I am, stuck in the bed again. You have to admit their strategy is good.

Now, eight months after Georgia, where I had learned about these forces of evil and how they cause disease, an army prays and discernment comes and my eyes are opening. I see them so specifically, so clearly now. It must be the Scripture-glasses I have been wearing regularly since they started praying.

I go through those eight Rs – the ones I learned in Georgia. Recognize, Responsibility, Repent, Remove... Rejoice. I separate my true self from those enemies of my soul.

Now what? They have been my friends for so long. Who am I if I'm not Driven? He has really taken me places. Good places! I took pride in him.

The ministry in Georgia says that people with chronic fatigue are driven and driven and driven until they accomplish all they're "supposed" to in life and then... CRASH. The fatigue sets in. I read this just last week and I felt it in my bones. I did that – did all I should, all God required (or was it all that the ministry leaders required?), then topped it off by getting a family. Then, CRASH. Because, what do you do now, after you've accomplished all that was expected?

My friend Michelle goes ahead of me in a similar battle and she says we should ask ourselves: Are we being driven? Or are we being led? Because Jesus never drives his sheep; he leads us gently. Beside still waters (Psalm 23:2). How much more restful can you get than still waters? There have been times in my life when I've purposely sat down on a dock by a lake just to feel that kind of rest.

Rest. Supposedly, it's what I'm created to offer to my family and friends (Captivating, John and Stasi Eldredge). Supposedly, it's what Jesus offers (Matthew 11:28). But Rest is not listed in those "Eight Rs to Freedom." Rest is anti-formula and opposite everything I know. All I know is what I should be doing. Is this why I crashed into my thirtieth year?

Rest. It is chosen. Mary chose it, Martha didn't (Luke 10:38-42). Jesus says it's a good choice.

Rest. We have not kept a Sabbath-rest for two years. Not once.

Why am I able to do all but this? I'll try anything but rest... in my marriage, in my healing, in my Father. Is it because I'm Type A? First-born? Small-town? Bosacker? As it turns out, "just the way I am" is really just the way a spirit holds me hostage.

Drivenness is so obvious now that I can't bear his presence. I don't know what I'm going to do with out him, but I see him and I trust God and I fall out of agreement. I flat out tell him, like a break-up, "You spirit of drivenness, listen to me. You and I can no longer exist in the same space, and I'm staying here. In Jesus' name and by his authority – I command you to leave me, now."

And now, for the first time in my life, I begin recognizing this spirit around me and choosing rest instead. Sanctification is a process, but the one who calls me is faithful and HE will do it (I Thessalonians 5:23-24).

1 comment:

Rebecca said...

Kati, This is a powerful post. Every word spoke to me as a fellow recoverer from drivenness/control/anxiety. It's amazing how we get addicted to the things that destroy us. I totally identify with what you said about wondering who you would be without drivenness.

Powerful post.